I’ve been awake for twenty three and a half hours. I awoke yesterday close to 10:30am with worry over my family and the inevitable loss we know is coming. Only a couple hours later, more sadness and worry began to overwhelm with the news of a good friends parent in the hospital in the same predicament. Instead of sulking and dry drowning in my sorrows, I decided it best to just get out, breathe the air, clear my congested head.
Then I’m overcome with negative calls from my family, the family that is supposed to be banning together right now to fight the pain and help one another heal, help heal as a whole. A call that in itself was enough to break me down. But it was the accidentally dialing from one of their phones to mine and the accidental ten minute voice mail that was left from what seemed like the devil himself, where I could hear each and every single word uttered, I mean between my hysterical cries. Words that made me feel more worthless than I have felt in G-d knows how long. Words that people who love you should never even entertain in thought.
Ten minutes of words that made me feel meaningless, as if I were less than nothing. I felt sick and disgusted with myself, self loathing overcoming, sobs full of pain overwhelming. Words that were meant but were later brushed off with a no good response of “we were just mad.”
You don’t forget words like that. You don’t forget such hatred that for years now must have been secretly floating from head to head while we all gathered in the living room to watch a show we all like. I only wished at that time that I had obtained enough actual food in my stomach so that I could throw up, because it literally made me sick and began to paralyze me.
The night only grew more and more terrible as the moments passed. Friends I’ve bent over backwards for brushed my pain over their heads as if I were some stranger in an elevator they had just seen for the first time and were making small talk during the 90 second ride to be polite in the eyes of society.
I arrive home to my best friend overcome with worry. And I shift my feelings to the back of my mind and focus on her. Her worry becomes pain and I, well, I become enraged.
I’m watching the minutes on the clock continue to move, wishing for perhaps, just for an hour or so, time could stand still. I can’t shake the worry, but more than anything, the words that were like daggers.
Maybe I’ll swallow this giant lump in my throat, hide under the covers and sleep the day away. As I am absolutely disgusted by people around me and hurt beyond words at people I probably need the most right now.
It boggles my mind how much hate people hold in their hearts. And how quick they are to take the pain they are feeling over something completely different and direct it at an easy target. Sorry, I’m not your punching bag.
Good night to myself, as well as my beautiful best friend Adela, as we’ve battled this terrible night together. And good morning to the rest of you normal people who are about to embark on what might just be a nice Sunday.
I love you with all of my heart and though I don’t have much right now, I give you all the strength and power I possess. You mean the world to me. Thank you for being such a wonderful human being with a soul that ceases to astound me day in and day out. Thank you for allowing me to see the beauty in people, in the world.
Always,
Anne Pilot.
Dedicated to the only other person who has this tattoo, Anne Pilot. I love you, bebe! Thank you for being such an amazing help with the planning of my wedding, and just in general. You are an incredible friend <3
You are the most astounding person. I cherish your wonderful soul. I love you, bebe.
Welcome, October. Bring on Autumn. Leave the summer behind. I’m done with the heat, I’m ready for the snow. And excitedly approaching the time to leave this year behind. Oh, and I miss Adelapilot.
Most of my friends are into strange things I don’t totally understand—and with a few shameful exceptions I wish them all well. Who am I, after all, to tell some friend that he shouldn’t change his name to Oliver High, get rid of his family and join a Satanism cult in Seattle? Or to argue with another friend who wants to buy a single-shot Remington fireball so he can go out and shoot cops from a safe distance? Whatever’s right, I say. Never fuck with a friend’s head by accident. And if their private trips get out of control now and then—well, you do what has got to be done.
instability is not endearing.
this photo will forever be one of many containing a porthole to the memories of “2011: The Summer That I Learned.”
I have this feeling in the pit of my stomach like I’m going to throw up; oh, anxiety. Random nights of bullshit, long days of waiting for nothing. And you know what, it’s ridiculous. If I take two steps back, it’s because I am sick of these immature, go nowhere relationships. We are all fairly old enough to stop this bullshit. I am so over people acting irresponsibly. The inconsistency is such a turn off.
I have, honest to G-d, done everything humanly possible (for me) to obtain from running in the opposite direction. And this is a big deal for me. I am not “well enough” to deal with repetitive idiocy. When I ask a million times or when I explain myself the same amount, it’s trying to show you that it seemed worth it to me. Why try so hard to prove that theory wrong?
this pretense is ludicrous.
I am fed up with specific people and random acts of life. And I’m not into this whole discrepancy thing the way others are. It’s pathetic.
I’ve basically concluded I need something major to change in my life because the stability factor of what I consider “nothing” keeps growing. It’s time to just get up and go;
What’s holding you back?
I’m having a bad night for one hundred reasons and none at the same time. And I love Adela Pilot. Just saying, as always
violentmonster | thousandcleverlines | weatherpatterns | that70s
Best burn ever.
This is dedicate to Adela Pilot. BURN.
